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2 years ago
6 comments:
Steevo - I'm surprised at you and disappointed in you, given your recent posts on mirrorboy's blog and on AJ's blog. I know that it's often very, very difficult for us older (over 30) folk to temper what we say so that it's both appropriate and understandable for a teen audience, but I really expected an 'out' schoolteacher to have a better grasp on how to relate to teens than the rest of us. I know I've gone overboard before when talking with teens, but most of my mistakes have occurred IRL, where I can watch the faces for reaction or comprehension, and make corrections on the fly. Some of my online mistakes have been all the more serious because they're less easily corrected or retracted. In your case, I firmly believe that you are considered a highly respected source of friendship and support, and information, of course, by the two bloggers I've mentioned above. I also believe that you have much more contact with them than what is revealed in the public posts. This said, your mistakes carry a greater chance to cause serious harm.
You praised AJ's rage as proper, appropriate and beneficial to the situation, even after he admitted that he was previously aware of his issues with anger and rage! Are you off you rocker? Rage is, by definition, temporary insanity, representative of a complete loss of reason and self-control, a total lack of any awareness of one's actions of their possbile consequesces. The only situation where rage might be OK is when the physical and emotional phenomena of rage are necessary to protect self or loved ones from imminent physical danger. Any other expression of rage is inherently more negative than positive.
I don't think you would have praised AJ if he confronted his family while stoned out of his mind on drugs and alcohol, or while emotionally reeling from a separate trauma; yet, you fail to acknowledge that rage is a similar impairment. When confronted with explosive situations, we always have options other than rage - the two most important options are (1) do nothing to further inflame the situation, and/or (2) withdraw. We older (and wiser?!?!?) folk owe these struggling kids the truth, based on our experiences. You know, just as well as I do, that many of these teens who are blogging about issues related to coming-out to homophobic parents aren't even yet out to hardly anyone - not their roommates, fake girlfriends (beards), friends, neighbors, etc. AND they're certainly not yet ready to be suddenly, unexpectedly and completely independent of their parents/families if the coming-out isn't well received. Parents are usually the last people to whom we come-out, for all of the tried and true reasons you already know so well. We have an obligation to counsel based on reality, not idealistic fantasy.
IMHO, you should go back to AJ and let him know that, in spite of the fact that he started his parental coming-out journey with a parachute drop into a live-fire zone, the best approach for a journey of this type is one of small steps, well considered in advance, with provisions automatically included for strategic withdrawals. Given his age, he already knows that he can survive without Mom (or more realistically, Mom's money), his circumstances will just be more modest. What he really needs to know is that he's still a valuable and loved person and has many who love and support him. What he needs most of all is a real hug!
In a comment on mirrorboy's blog, in response to his questions and concerns about the negative effects of gay stereotypes, you responded by telling a 15yo that he "had to support" the extreme behaviors of certain members of the gay community. You further told him that if he didn't, then he was the victim of internalized homophobia!!! Once again, have you lost your mind? No individual is required by any moral code I've ever known to accept behavior that is unacceptable. If your fat old drag queen, decked out in a sundress and combat boots, wants to claim that his fashion choices are a component of his sexuality, that's fine - we can't argue with that. We can, however, clearly state that his attire would be highly inappropriate in many venues, and he, not the rest of us, is the party who must exercise some judgement regarding acceptable behavior. As individuals, we cannot control who we are or what we think, but we do control how we act - if we are out of elementary school, that is.
As for that 'internalized homophobia' bullshit - that should be reserved for middle-aged gay men who are in psychotherapy with qualified counsellors. This concept has been around for almost forty years, and was created by gay activists to criticize gay people for having exactly the concerns expressed by mirrorboy! Here, you are actually pandering to a negative stereotype and engaging in the oppression of a fellow gay person. The unspoken subtext of the 'internalized homophobia' concept is that if one cannot accept all extreme behaviors as part of who we are, then we really aren't "gay" or aren't "really" gay - that even within our community, we are still somehow inadequate and wrong!!!! I know you struck a nerve with mirrorboy, since he responded directly to you and was backpedaling as fast as his little legs could run. I haven't a clue as to how you should repair this mistake.
We, especially those of us elevated into leadership roles, have an awesome responsibility. Our obligation to the future generations is not one to be taken lightly. I feel diminished every time I find myself having made mistakes similar to yours, but I do try to use these mistakes to learn.
See my post today to AJ. I guess I did not read "rage" in as clinical sense as you did. The damage was done and AJ was out. So how to support him... find a silver lining to the cloud? Sort of.
As to the Mboy post on stereotypes, I guess I better re-read it.
My point was we should try to accept gay people being gay any way they want to and I assumed people would not think I would support the fat old drag queen in sequins and army boots to wear that attire to a funeral.
I honestly think it's OK to explain to a gay 15 yo that we ought to support equal rights for ALL gays, not just the well dressed conventional ones who don't make _some_ people uncomfortable. Hence the black man metaphor about crossing the street so he would not have to walk too close to a white woman.
Maybe next time you could blast me in email first.
steevo (somewhat puzzled at this scolding..)
um... i'm gonna stay out of this.
go AJ!!
Anon,
You seem to be writing as though Steevo told AJ ahead of time to blow up if his mom started in with the gay bashing.
AJ had a gut-level reaction. He'd been physically gay bashed two weeks prior and now his mom was verbally gay bashing him. Wounds from the prior heal with time. Wounds from the latter fester, get infected and poison the recipient. AJ used the word "rage" but what he wrote of what he said doesn't read like rage to me but more like intense hurt. His mother was calling him mentally ill and a pervert to his face, whether she knew it or not.
It's easy to come in after the fact and tell AJ he fucked up and did it all wrong. You don't have to live inside his head. Steevo (and I) both told him his reaction was understandable and, even though it will have (most assuredly undeserved) consequences, he was not in the wrong to respond as he did.
AJ's an adult. He had two choices:
1) stand up for himself and feel proud after he gets over the initial wave of shock and terror at the outcome
2) sit there and keep his mouth shut then beat himself up and fill himself with shame and self-hatred for not speaking up for himself and all the rest of us
Option 1 has consequences, yes, but option 2 eats at the soul.
As for the stuff about Mirrorboy's stereotypes posts, I think s just misinterpreted m a bit. From the back and forth that followed, it looked like they quickly came to an understanding.
Umm... yeah. I'll stay out of the AJ debate.
As for me, well i think me and Steevo think very much the same way. I don't think i clarified my view as much as i should have and Steevo picked picked me up on that. I'm glad he did. I value your opinion heaps buddy.
lotsa love,
===>mirrorboy<===
Steevo - I set out to offer constructive criticism, although rereading my comment, it does come across as a scolding. I wrote my comment while in the middle of intense feelings about stereotypes and rage.
I did not comment in an email because I wanted my comment to be public. I wanted my opinion to be visible (just not as harsh sounding as it was written). I commented on your blog, since I didn't think it was the thing to do to criticize you in another's blog. I feel that sniping between commentors hijacks the blog from its intended owner's purpose, but maybe I'm being too anal in that regard. Seriously, since I don't have my own blog, don't engage in email and IM dialogue with the bloggers, and cannot edit anon comments, how else should I have commented?
The largest problem I've ever seen, when dealing with serious discussions about anything other than science or math, is that the discussion often suffers from a failure to define the terms. In this case, I reacted to the huge difference I see between anger and rage; I also reacted to a expanded definition of gay. I probably should have written in a manner that limited my comments to my opinions and my experiences and it wouldn't have sounded like a scolding, but I wasn't that calm.
I have been the victim of my own rage and the rage of others that included me as a target. The results were never positive; quite often, the results were devastating and long-lived. Whenever others have brought their rage issues to me to discuss, their experiences have all mirrored mine. While anger may be useful and appropriate, I have concluded that rage is never appropriate.
The definition problem pops up again with the words homosexual and gay. I understand homosexual to be a clinical description of specific behaviors and gay to be more a state-of-mind that includes an acceptance of same-sex attractions, among other things. I've noticed that even among gay people, the concept of what is meant by the term gay is very fluid. When I first began to interact with other gay people, some years ago, especially educated and sober gay people in venues other than the bar scene, I was shocked and deeply troubled by my experiences. I was told that I "wasn't gay enough" or, worse yet, that I was "the wrong kind of gay," much more often than I was told "you're welcome here" or "you're OK with us." The "wrong kind" label was often attached to further comments regarding "self-loathing homosexuals." It seems that I was the wrong kind of gay because I had no personal interest in being publicly out, being promiscious, cross-dressing, throwing blood on congressmen, living in a gay ghetto, French cuisine, decorating, leather, etc. After intense internal struggles and a ton of self-education, I came to understand that not one of these behaviors, from the vanilla to the bizarre, had a single thing to do with being gay; not one! Remembering the degree that I was marginalized, and mainly by other gay people, by these false and oppressive requirements for membership in the gay community, I reacted quite strongly to what I heard all of us telling a 15yo who dared to pose serious questions and expect thoughtful replies.
Just so we're clear here, I don't look down on any person who engages in any behavior that may be associated with being gay; however, I may question the association or the context, or both. Based on my personal definition of what it means to identify as gay, not even sexual behavior is useful as defining gay, since we all know gays who are celibate. Whenever I find myself assigning individuals to groups based on their behaviors, I soon realize that I'm being discriminatory, and usually in a manner that will ultimately be negative.
I hope this comment comes across as both apology for scolding and clarification of my opinion, for that is my specific intention.
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