Some Family History

I knew a Str8 [he said] guy in college who had this whole mail order business selling cum and pee stained undies. He was a real goofy guy, but everybody loved him. He was very sweet to his customers, mostly sorry old queens in their 50s and 60s. And not a few married guys with kids who had a secret life that helped them somehow manage day to day. I don't judge. Our goofy friend would recruit "assistants" and got us to use the undies when we jo'd! It was quite the dorm joke. Those were wild times. We called it the "Jizz 4 Johnny" club. That was his name, Johnny. Actually, Johnny came from a poor family. He was on a full scholarship and needed to earn money for a few extras, but sent almost all the money home to his divorced mom who had 3 or 4 kids to feed. Johnny had it tough in college, was very intelligent but had gone to a bad high school. He worked hard and did well. Finally his academic skills caught up with his IQ!

Today, as I look back, it seems a rather tawdry enterprise. But even then college/Uni students had to be outrageous and contrary. It's normal. In fact without such human proclivities, we might never make much progress socially. My dear old dad reminds me often enough that his 60s generation invented the sexual revolution from which today's youth greatly benefit. But we also know there are two sides to every coin.

Speaking of my str8 ultra liberal [he's still proud of the "L" label] dad, I asked him about why the old queens today are the way they sometimes are. He knew exactly why some of those old guys have such sad lives, which at first amazed me. He explained that his generation, the 60s hippies, grew up in an age when gay was just not talked about much. Few guys were out except in places like San Francisco, New York, etc. There was no community/"family" in smaller cities and towns. They were alone and if they did not get to college and travel and see another way to live, they were just stuck. I'm sure you have seen Brokeback Mountain.

Dad said his college roommate for the last 3 years was gay, but dad never knew it until a few months before graduation. The guy dated some, but was a math geek, nerd kinda guy and very shy. Dad's the exact opposite and perhaps that helped the friendship blossom; opposites attract. Dad's roommate always carried around a certain melancholy that puzzled people. By the end of senior year, he came out/ was forced out when he left a gay porn mag sitting around cuz he had been drinking and passed out. Dad found him snoring away, naked on his bed, porn mag on the floor next to him, and it was abundantly clear what he had been doing with it. The place wreaked of locker room and solo sex sweat.

Dad was not bothered much because he knew something was going on with his friend. Daddid tell me it was one time he had to test his progressive principals. His roommate was petrified when he woke up/came too. Dad had cleaned up, tossed away the beer bottles, picked up smelly laundry, etc. It was after spring break. The roommate had stayed in the dorms and dad came back a day early. No email or cell phones to alert him as we would do without thinking today. They had a long talk. My cool dad [lucky ME] accepted him just the same way he always had. The roommate admitted to a 3 year crush on dad and was despondent at the prospect of graduation. Dad, ever the political activist, got him in touch with some early gay support groups. Dad's a helper. What can I say. Tom started to get his life together and he always was very grateful todad for his kindess and acceptance, [again: lucky ME!]

They stayed friends and Tom and his partner (the roomie) would visit us each summer and even spent some Christmas holidays with us. I remember him well & fondly. He was great fun and very generous at Xmas. I still have a box of transformers stashed in the rents' garage, most of which he gave me. We spent many hours playing with them when I was in that "stage" of pre-adolescent development. He was like an honorary uncle and by late grade school dad explained that he was a gay friend and that they had been roommates in college. AS I got older dad shared more details of the story.

The AIDS epidemic was a grim reality, and Tom and his long-time partner got infected. His partner died first. Our family went to the funeral. It was so sad. The Tom I knew was weak, skinny, heart-broken. I'm getting kinda choked up remembering this. Tom soon followed and his death was a blessing. Tom was Catholic and really loved church stuff, but was of course alienated for many years. Then he found a gay friendly parish with many LGTB members and staff. He joined and that parish and ALL it members became his new family. So his final few years brought a lot of comfort. Dad took some time off work the last few months as Tom was dying. Dad and a few close friends were with Tom when he was set free.

I was in high school by then. The funeral was another very sad event, but also very life affirming. Joyous in a way. Tom was very musical and he and the parish priest had planned it for weeks. Tom's brother read a letter to everyone from Tom. It was funny, sad, inspiring, and made a big impression on me. I knew I was gay. Dan and I were together by then. I was not officially out to the rents, but I figured they knew and supported me and Dan. They did. But that is another story.

Even before Tom died, my dad had joined the local AIDS Project and worked as an educator. He said it was his tribute to Tom. Tom's story was shared with many people in our community.

So perhaps you blog readers can appreciate my recent post about the rising infection rate among young gay men. For me and my family it's very real and personal.